i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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