I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
