Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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