I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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