So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
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