theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
