Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
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