When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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