My first STD was from a foam party
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
