There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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