Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I am one with the molecules
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
