he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
