I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
