The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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