i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
