The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize