if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Randomize