if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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