The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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