they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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