Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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