I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize