she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
