he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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