I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize