I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
