Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
