so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
True strength comes from lack of pants
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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