Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
