I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You have to summon your inner elephant
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
