Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
