The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
did you just send me my own nude
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Randomize
