Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
