I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
