I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
