Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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