Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
