A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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