plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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