I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
