he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
As shirtless as possible
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
