You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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