I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
