remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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