I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
