I heard we made out
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
