Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
