Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
