She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
