Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
