So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
