Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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