I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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