And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
