And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
