with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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