i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
