My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
