Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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