I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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