Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
