but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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