the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
