just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
How naked do you want me to be?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
