She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
